She said, "Help me."
Actually, she mouthed it, in a silent, desparate manner which belied the considerable medication feeding intravenously into her. And I did nothing but smile, leave the room, and then cry.
I'm really not certain how I should feel at this moment. Conflicted certainly seems appropriate. But that's not right. Perhaps uncertain is the best word.
Loss of certainty.
That's four uses of that word right after another.
I know this will probably sound trite, but I feel my faith in Utopia failing. Not in the other members of the Team, or any of the staff, but rather the ideal. We've done many wonderful things, many important things, as part of T2M.
But the sight of her there...Mox'ed and sedated so that she's little more than an intoxicated child...this cannot be what we are here for. They've made no progress in finding a way for Kathleen to control her powers. Adrenocilin doesn't help. Once they cut off the Mox feed, her distortion field emerges and then, by no fault of her own, she's destroying everything around her.
It's been two weeks and still no progress. Not even vitrium is immune to the destructive effect she emits, so they haven't found any material safe for her to stand on. EuFiber doesn't seem much better: she ends up destroying it before it can attune to her. They keep telling me that she is drugged for the safety of everyone at the Rashoud Facility, but how long must she remain like that? I know that none of this is happening malevolently, but nonetheless, I am questioning how long it must go on. It is not her fault that her abilities manifest as they do.
I'm told that they're bringing the Ragnarockette in from overseas, so that they will have someone who can keep her suspended in the air while she is learning to control her abilities. Guggie, as I'm told other T2M'ers call her, is pretty resiliant and the doctors believe she'll be unhurt if Kathleen's distortion field comes too close. Still, the Ragnarockette is still on assignment in Europe, and it's estimated that it will be two weeks before they can spare her for something like aiding a new eruptee.
They will keep her like that for two more weeks. A full month full have passed. If they do not, she will end up destroying something, or hurting someone. Simply by being who she is. She's too risky to release until she can control her powers, everyone tells me. And I know this is true. She is a risk, but is she a prisoner until this happens? Utopia cannot release her in good conscience because if she harms someone, they had the power to prevent it from happening and did not. Still...
What if she doesn't want to be here?
The doctors want her to go to Bahrain. They tell me they simply don't have the equipment here to deal with someone on Kathleen's destructive level. This is the type of eruption Bahrain was meant to research and handle.
But we promised Kathleen that will not happen. The Director wants me back on active duty, but I've told him that I will not go until Kathleen leaves of her own accord. Me, Lucious, and Savannah, will make certain that our promise is not nullified.
She will not go to Bahrain willingly. The rumors on the OpNet, and Lucious tells me he's downloaded pages of them for me to read when I have a free moment, have apparently frightened her enough that nothing can convince her otherwise.
I must admit some hesitation myself, but that is a matter for another day.
I am now asking myself, even though we made certain that she was not taken to Bahrain, as she feared, have we really helped Kathleen Miller?
What life does she have to look forward to if these powers of hers cannot be controlled? Will she ever be released? If so, how long before she is considered too dangerous to remain free?
The idea of breaking her out, rather, of sneaking her out, has crossed my mind. It is what to do after that where my mind falters. I know not where I would take her, know no one more qualified to help her than the doctors whose care she is already in. I know that I've already dissuaded myself from doing so. I've no desire to make her situation even worse.
But I can't avoid the feeling that if I did get here out of there, maybe I would be helping her. Maybe I'd be doing something constructive for this girl whom I pledged to help, instead of just crying at the sight of her immobile and drugged on the otherside of one-way glass.
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